A waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping

So for the past 2 and more years many of my dreams seem to contain a skinny black haired ex boyfriend of mine formally known as Ian, but we shall call him Jack. Like Jack Skeleton. In 95% of the dreams Jack appears in we are either friends, and there is a great sense of joy in my dreams or we are not and there's this hopeless all-to-real longing. I have these dreams so often I would say it happens about once a week. Sometimes it won't happen for a couple of weeks, but then I get like, 3 in a row or something. Which is a vast improvement considering for a year after the break up it was nearly Every. Single. Night. This was very annoying then because being that I was still madly in love with him during waking hours, dreaming that we were together was painful, because when I would wake up I would realize it wasn't true. As for the other scenario it would feel as if I were never asleep at all, having my dream reality mirror my waking.

If we're friends or more than in my dream I still feel the happiness, however if it is the latter I start to remember Chris and my train of thought seems to go like this 'Wait, Chris! I have a boyfriend... Which means I am cheating on him... OH NO!' then I pull away from Jack and fly back into reality. I seem to be equally happy in my dreams to be with him or just be his friend.

These dreams are very annoying and I wish they would stop for afterward the affects of the dreams linger with me, whereas without the dreams I do not feel that way toward Jack. Is my sub conscience messing with me or trying to reveal some truth my conscience mind won't admit to? If so, my conscience is doing a pretty damn good job of lying.

I'm always relieved when I have dreams of Chris, and I feel the kind of love and happiness I feel in these Jack dreams. In fact the happiness is more intense, but much less common. My sub conscience Has to be fucking with me.


- Lindsay

To be clear I do love Jack and wish things had turned out differently (You know, have it so he wasn't in fact a total dick to me)but because he is a total dick I don't feel much regret about it. It was nothing I could help with so it's all pretty much behind me. Except for these dreams I guess.