All Apologies

I am currently residing in Edmonton, and am busy with school and what not, I will probably get back into blogging when i go to school full time. You will just have to be patient. PS: Let's hang out lots before we separate once again.

Eat Randy

My cousin is a disgusting pig and other news

So today was an interesting day for me.

I knew that my cousin Robert (you know, the crazy cracked out alcoholic one who spends to much time in the psych ward and The Alaska) was black listed and should never have worked at Boston Pizza. I did not know why he was black listed but was sure he had a list of offenses like selling drugs or renting a hooker or stealing or something fun like that. However, being me and trying to see the best in people (or in Robert's case being blind to just how bad people can be)I did not know he was black listed for making child pornography. I am disgusted and outraged. Being a victim of pedophilia, I know personally how damaging being a victim can be. Granted the stars were most likely teenage sluts who thought being super slutty while a crack head filmed them would be super fun, but whether these are the details or not for him to have been involved is despicable, abhorrent and makes me ashamed to be of the same bloodline

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My kitty cat, Bruce came in the house sometime yesterday after what we thought was a pleasant afternoon walk for him yesterday to later find him walking around with a limp tail, crying every time someone looked at it or tried to touch it. His tail was really swollen at the top of his tail near the base of his spine and he seemed to be in a lot of pain. We thought his tail might be broken so we took him to a kitty doctor. They gave him x rays but his tail wasn't broken. He got bit at some point the day before and the bite became infected. They lanced the owie, put him on antibiotics and anti-inflammatorys and sent him home. Cost us nearly 500$ but he looks adorable in his plastic cone.

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I sort of spent my day today looking at different hair styles and it got me thinking about how excited I am to be leaving Dawson Creek this September and for a few weeks this April. I really just want to start over somewhere new. It's not even that I hate Dawson, it's that I want to be around a fresh new group of people. I realize that we're all just people and so no matter where I go there will still always be douche people and not-so-douchy people. I get that, but what's really important is they don't know me, who I was, who I've tried to be, what I've done, any of the mistakes I've made. I get to be who I want to be. I get to fully embrace who i am now and who I'm trying to be without their opinions being clouded by the things I've done or didn't do.

I don't really have any sort of style for myself and I'm just starting to get more into the hobbies and sports that I enjoy and I want to find out more about myself. I want to accomplish more things work on some of my lesser qualities like my laziness and my vanity. I would like to find my own style in clothes, hair, make-up, home decor, writing, drawing, swimming and socializing. I feel like I'm hiding bits of myself from people. Only after half a year of working at Boston Pizza am I starting to really show myself to people. I want to learn how to do that from the beginning. I want to combine High school Lindsay with the shyer, more adult Lindsay I am now and show that to people. New people.

I didn't blog yesterday

but neither did you.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" and other stories

So far I have missed 4 sessions of Creative lengths & 2 of Abs and River

I missed the first 2 of creative lengths because by the time I found out about them it too late to get the time off work. I missed another because the cab I called arrived after the program had already began (he took 45 minutes to get to my house) and the 4th because my fucking alarm clock didn't go off! So I set my cell phone alarm on, and THAT didn't go off either and so I missed today's Abs and River!

This is so heart breaking. I paid for these courses and I've missed 4/18 in one and 2/9 in the other... I'm a sad panda. Also, what is wrong with these fucking alarms!?? Well I'm gonna drag myself away from this lap top and investigate. Gawd I'm sad about this :(

European Whirl: A Contiki Tour

Who: Me & Chris!

What: hangliding, white water rafting, eating foreign food, sight seeing such as the Berlin Wall, Venice, The Trevi Fountain, Spanish Steps, Colosseum, Sisten Chapel, Swiss Alps, Eiffel tower, Notre Dame & the red light district of Amsterdam. Entering the Louvre and seeing the Mona Lisa and other famous artwork.

Where: England, Belgium, Netherlands, Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Italy, Vatican City, Switzerland & France.

When: April 3rd to April 22nd

Why: Because I can.

Tour Cost: 2,519$ CAD

It pays for all accommodations, 17 breakfasts, 9 dinners, all Travel excluding the plane ticket from Canada to London and back, special Contiki privileges, pays for entrance into the Louvre and other assorted activities to make sure everyday is exciting.

I AM STOKED.

Your baby, and how I don't care.

I don't care how many teeth your kid has. I don't care that he took his first steps. I don't care about how much you love him and how your life is so much better with him in it.

You are no longer apart of my Facebook news feed. (Something I should have done a couple years ago.

You were going to be a police officer, weren't you? But instead, you got some guy to knock you up. ON PURPOSE, so that you could have a baby. WTF. You were 18. God damn.

I can understand making a mistake and not wanting to get an abortion. I get that. For example, in our high school there was a girl who was kind of a bitch but she was on birth control and had dreams of going to university. She was, in fact very good at school, had high grades, managed to stay with the same guy for 3 years and was already accepted into a major university when she got pregnant. She was 18 and this was not apart of her plans. However she kept the baby, because even though it was nothing more than a barely developed fetus, she already loved him.

I completely respect that.

But trying for a child, when your just a child yourself? Why would you do that? Wouldn't you want your child to have the very best in stability? Wouldn't you want to make sure you have your own home (not living at your mom's), have your own paid for vehicle? Have a career?

Purposely having a child while you are in highschool is selfish and idiotic and it just makes me want to punch you whenever I see you.

Also, do not breastfeed in the restaurant with out even a blanket to help cover you. Believe it or not I don't want to see your nipples. No one does. And those who want to, want to too much.

A waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping

So for the past 2 and more years many of my dreams seem to contain a skinny black haired ex boyfriend of mine formally known as Ian, but we shall call him Jack. Like Jack Skeleton. In 95% of the dreams Jack appears in we are either friends, and there is a great sense of joy in my dreams or we are not and there's this hopeless all-to-real longing. I have these dreams so often I would say it happens about once a week. Sometimes it won't happen for a couple of weeks, but then I get like, 3 in a row or something. Which is a vast improvement considering for a year after the break up it was nearly Every. Single. Night. This was very annoying then because being that I was still madly in love with him during waking hours, dreaming that we were together was painful, because when I would wake up I would realize it wasn't true. As for the other scenario it would feel as if I were never asleep at all, having my dream reality mirror my waking.

If we're friends or more than in my dream I still feel the happiness, however if it is the latter I start to remember Chris and my train of thought seems to go like this 'Wait, Chris! I have a boyfriend... Which means I am cheating on him... OH NO!' then I pull away from Jack and fly back into reality. I seem to be equally happy in my dreams to be with him or just be his friend.

These dreams are very annoying and I wish they would stop for afterward the affects of the dreams linger with me, whereas without the dreams I do not feel that way toward Jack. Is my sub conscience messing with me or trying to reveal some truth my conscience mind won't admit to? If so, my conscience is doing a pretty damn good job of lying.

I'm always relieved when I have dreams of Chris, and I feel the kind of love and happiness I feel in these Jack dreams. In fact the happiness is more intense, but much less common. My sub conscience Has to be fucking with me.


- Lindsay

To be clear I do love Jack and wish things had turned out differently (You know, have it so he wasn't in fact a total dick to me)but because he is a total dick I don't feel much regret about it. It was nothing I could help with so it's all pretty much behind me. Except for these dreams I guess.

Blogging every day is hard.

So here are some fun pictures and stuff I've saved.

I'll do better tomorrow.

Have you played the New Super Mario Bros? It's awesome.

Kids. And how I want them.

I shall become preggos with my first kid when i am 28 and my second when I am 30.

This is how I hope the genders go...

1. A boy and a girl

2. A boy and a gay boy

3. 2 boys

4. 2 Lesbian Girls

5. a Girl and a Lesbian girl

6. 2 Girls (This would make me sad)


I'll probably end up with two straight girls :(

I don't like girls, but I need one to give all my stuff too. My books and stuff.

Point Taken

Hilarious.

Rant #1

I really hate finding others attractive when I'm in a relationship. It makes me feel like I'm mentally cheating or something. That sounds stupid and I'm sure it is. Being attracted to someone else doesn't make you any less committed does it? So long as your not acting on it that is. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know, but it would still be nice if I could be like "excuse me friendly, gentlemanly, hot guy that works in the kitchen, if you could just tone it down a little. Be an asshole. An ugly asshole. That would be great", and you know, cause I asked so nicely he would.

Rant #2

I miss having friends of the male variety. All my good ones have moved away and I can't just go about making new ones. I would like to, but I feel like I've gotten to an age where other guys aren't looking for friends anymore, they are looking for a mate. Having kept several guy friends in a jail of a friend zone, only to find out later that they are "In love with me and always have been" I have grown quite cautious. I can't really picture making new friends that have penis's and them not thinking I want more. It sounds ridiculous cause if I have a boyfriend they should know I just want to be friends, but alas they still manage to think so. Even if I say, repeatedly "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. WERE I SINGLE I WOULD NOT DATE YOU". Like Justin. Cough.

Rant #2 1/2

Jealously is cute, but there is a limit. It is part 2 why I can not have guy friends. I can hardly hang out with Steven without Chris sweating about it.

He's so cute.

Rant #3

I feel very distant from Danika (In the past a very close friend) because she is such a shitty worker. Always cutting corners and never helping anyone and skipping out on rolling cutlery. She's a super bitch to Juliet and it's all just getting on my nerves.

Also (though this is not Danika's fault as far as I know) she Gets 6 or more shifts a week when I'm getting four, which pisses me off to know end because she doesn't have school to pay for (her mom is paying for it), she doesn't have rent, or PNG or half the time, even her car insurance. I do. I need to make 1,500$ more a month than she does. Yet she gets more shifts. Dumb.

Well that's it for now. I do enjoy your ten step programs.

Tucker Max Vs. Steven Cole

You can never claim to really know anyone. So long as we all own our own thoughts, eyes, and ears we are alone. Sure you can talk to people, live with them, fall in love and give out all your secrets, but we can not invade each others minds and because of that we are all irrevocably, blessedly, horribly alone.
And so, please note; I could be completely wrong.

Things that seem the same about Tucker and Steven is their style of writing and if I have any sort of claim on knowing something about Steven, surely this is it, having read his blogs for the past 6 years. I would probably read every scrap of paper he's ever written on if he wasn't so keen on keeping me away from that drawer.

Anyways, aside from the writing style the other common characteristics I see are, Tucker's I-Have-Never-Done-This-Before-So-Lets-Go-with-it attitude, his appreciation and abuse of drugs and alcohol, his cynicism and attraction to odd people, and perhaps, perhaps (I assume though can not be sure because I personally will never be able to see Steven from this point of you, cause he can't see me this way) his inability to be in love. I should add though that as contradictory as this is seems I find Steven to be a romantic person where Tucker, is not.

I hope this doesn't offend you, me having a theory you can't fall in love. (Love as I know it anyway).

The differences: Steven has a better conscience. Not a perfect one, but much better than Tucker's. His sexual appetite is much, much smaller than Tuckers, and Steven is much much less full of himself and defiantly not an attention whore. Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

I hope your girlfriend doesn't read this. I see that being awkward.

No I don't think I'm going to go out today. I much prefer to live precariously through the lives of fictional characters.

So I started reading "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" which is hilarious and disgusting. At first the Author/Narrator reminded me of Steven a bit and I was immediately charmed, but by Chapter 2 "The Blowjob Follies" my opinion changed rapidly. No, no he's not like Steven at all. Your melancholy and you write alike but the relationship ends there. Anyway, I am only 4 chapters in and am greatly entertained.

Back at swimming again, because Chris bought me a bathing suit I don't feel like a house in. I actually really love swimming but somewhere between 12 and 13 while waiting to take my Bronze Cross I decided I was fat and stop swimming for the most part of the last seven years, but anyway I'm back at it and it feels pretty good.

I sort of put my two weeks notice in at Fynnigans. Well I told them I was going to but they bargained with me until I agreed to just start working every other Sunday morning. Doug apparently told Cora "He won't let me quit" Most of all I do is just read and eat, but I guess just showing up to work there is a pretty big deal.

Anyway I am quite tired and a little jealous of the way Chris passes out after about 30 seconds of head to pillow contact, and I think I shall follow suit.

PS: Have a told you how I orgasmed for the first time ever a month ago? Because that's new too.