A waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping

So for the past 2 and more years many of my dreams seem to contain a skinny black haired ex boyfriend of mine formally known as Ian, but we shall call him Jack. Like Jack Skeleton. In 95% of the dreams Jack appears in we are either friends, and there is a great sense of joy in my dreams or we are not and there's this hopeless all-to-real longing. I have these dreams so often I would say it happens about once a week. Sometimes it won't happen for a couple of weeks, but then I get like, 3 in a row or something. Which is a vast improvement considering for a year after the break up it was nearly Every. Single. Night. This was very annoying then because being that I was still madly in love with him during waking hours, dreaming that we were together was painful, because when I would wake up I would realize it wasn't true. As for the other scenario it would feel as if I were never asleep at all, having my dream reality mirror my waking.

If we're friends or more than in my dream I still feel the happiness, however if it is the latter I start to remember Chris and my train of thought seems to go like this 'Wait, Chris! I have a boyfriend... Which means I am cheating on him... OH NO!' then I pull away from Jack and fly back into reality. I seem to be equally happy in my dreams to be with him or just be his friend.

These dreams are very annoying and I wish they would stop for afterward the affects of the dreams linger with me, whereas without the dreams I do not feel that way toward Jack. Is my sub conscience messing with me or trying to reveal some truth my conscience mind won't admit to? If so, my conscience is doing a pretty damn good job of lying.

I'm always relieved when I have dreams of Chris, and I feel the kind of love and happiness I feel in these Jack dreams. In fact the happiness is more intense, but much less common. My sub conscience Has to be fucking with me.


- Lindsay

To be clear I do love Jack and wish things had turned out differently (You know, have it so he wasn't in fact a total dick to me)but because he is a total dick I don't feel much regret about it. It was nothing I could help with so it's all pretty much behind me. Except for these dreams I guess.

Blogging every day is hard.

So here are some fun pictures and stuff I've saved.

I'll do better tomorrow.

Have you played the New Super Mario Bros? It's awesome.

Kids. And how I want them.

I shall become preggos with my first kid when i am 28 and my second when I am 30.

This is how I hope the genders go...

1. A boy and a girl

2. A boy and a gay boy

3. 2 boys

4. 2 Lesbian Girls

5. a Girl and a Lesbian girl

6. 2 Girls (This would make me sad)


I'll probably end up with two straight girls :(

I don't like girls, but I need one to give all my stuff too. My books and stuff.

Point Taken

Hilarious.

Rant #1

I really hate finding others attractive when I'm in a relationship. It makes me feel like I'm mentally cheating or something. That sounds stupid and I'm sure it is. Being attracted to someone else doesn't make you any less committed does it? So long as your not acting on it that is. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know, but it would still be nice if I could be like "excuse me friendly, gentlemanly, hot guy that works in the kitchen, if you could just tone it down a little. Be an asshole. An ugly asshole. That would be great", and you know, cause I asked so nicely he would.

Rant #2

I miss having friends of the male variety. All my good ones have moved away and I can't just go about making new ones. I would like to, but I feel like I've gotten to an age where other guys aren't looking for friends anymore, they are looking for a mate. Having kept several guy friends in a jail of a friend zone, only to find out later that they are "In love with me and always have been" I have grown quite cautious. I can't really picture making new friends that have penis's and them not thinking I want more. It sounds ridiculous cause if I have a boyfriend they should know I just want to be friends, but alas they still manage to think so. Even if I say, repeatedly "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. WERE I SINGLE I WOULD NOT DATE YOU". Like Justin. Cough.

Rant #2 1/2

Jealously is cute, but there is a limit. It is part 2 why I can not have guy friends. I can hardly hang out with Steven without Chris sweating about it.

He's so cute.

Rant #3

I feel very distant from Danika (In the past a very close friend) because she is such a shitty worker. Always cutting corners and never helping anyone and skipping out on rolling cutlery. She's a super bitch to Juliet and it's all just getting on my nerves.

Also (though this is not Danika's fault as far as I know) she Gets 6 or more shifts a week when I'm getting four, which pisses me off to know end because she doesn't have school to pay for (her mom is paying for it), she doesn't have rent, or PNG or half the time, even her car insurance. I do. I need to make 1,500$ more a month than she does. Yet she gets more shifts. Dumb.

Well that's it for now. I do enjoy your ten step programs.

Tucker Max Vs. Steven Cole

You can never claim to really know anyone. So long as we all own our own thoughts, eyes, and ears we are alone. Sure you can talk to people, live with them, fall in love and give out all your secrets, but we can not invade each others minds and because of that we are all irrevocably, blessedly, horribly alone.
And so, please note; I could be completely wrong.

Things that seem the same about Tucker and Steven is their style of writing and if I have any sort of claim on knowing something about Steven, surely this is it, having read his blogs for the past 6 years. I would probably read every scrap of paper he's ever written on if he wasn't so keen on keeping me away from that drawer.

Anyways, aside from the writing style the other common characteristics I see are, Tucker's I-Have-Never-Done-This-Before-So-Lets-Go-with-it attitude, his appreciation and abuse of drugs and alcohol, his cynicism and attraction to odd people, and perhaps, perhaps (I assume though can not be sure because I personally will never be able to see Steven from this point of you, cause he can't see me this way) his inability to be in love. I should add though that as contradictory as this is seems I find Steven to be a romantic person where Tucker, is not.

I hope this doesn't offend you, me having a theory you can't fall in love. (Love as I know it anyway).

The differences: Steven has a better conscience. Not a perfect one, but much better than Tucker's. His sexual appetite is much, much smaller than Tuckers, and Steven is much much less full of himself and defiantly not an attention whore. Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

I hope your girlfriend doesn't read this. I see that being awkward.

No I don't think I'm going to go out today. I much prefer to live precariously through the lives of fictional characters.

So I started reading "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" which is hilarious and disgusting. At first the Author/Narrator reminded me of Steven a bit and I was immediately charmed, but by Chapter 2 "The Blowjob Follies" my opinion changed rapidly. No, no he's not like Steven at all. Your melancholy and you write alike but the relationship ends there. Anyway, I am only 4 chapters in and am greatly entertained.

Back at swimming again, because Chris bought me a bathing suit I don't feel like a house in. I actually really love swimming but somewhere between 12 and 13 while waiting to take my Bronze Cross I decided I was fat and stop swimming for the most part of the last seven years, but anyway I'm back at it and it feels pretty good.

I sort of put my two weeks notice in at Fynnigans. Well I told them I was going to but they bargained with me until I agreed to just start working every other Sunday morning. Doug apparently told Cora "He won't let me quit" Most of all I do is just read and eat, but I guess just showing up to work there is a pretty big deal.

Anyway I am quite tired and a little jealous of the way Chris passes out after about 30 seconds of head to pillow contact, and I think I shall follow suit.

PS: Have a told you how I orgasmed for the first time ever a month ago? Because that's new too.